There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter; 10 were men and the other was a woman.
The helicopter pilot said that there were too many people on the rope and it would break and they would all die, if someone didn’t get off.
No one could decide who should go, so finally the woman gave a really heart touching speech, saying how she would give her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children.
As soon as she finished, all the men started clapping.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson replies, “I see millions of stars.” “What does that tell you?” Watson ponders for a minute. “Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?” Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. “Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.”
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, “I’ll have a C-monkey please.”
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop, and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash and handed it to the customer, saying, “That’ll be $ 5000.” The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, “That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?”
The shopkeeper answered, “Ah, that monkey can program in C — very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.” The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage.
“That ones even more expensive — $10,000! What does it do?” “Oh, that one’s a C++ monkey. It can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,” said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $ 50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, “That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?”
The shopkeeper replied, “Well, I haven’t actually seen it do anything, but it says it’s a consultant.”
A student in a science class wrote, “The universe is a giant orgasm” (instead of organism). At the end of the student’s essay, the teacher wrote, you answer gives new meaning “to the Big Bang Theory”.
Feeling rather glamorous in my long red cape, I decided to amuse my grand children by pretending to be Red Riding Hood. “Who am I”? I asked, bursting into the room. Without a moment’s hesitation, they chorused, “Dracula!”