Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Corporate lingo explained

Here's a little clarification of corporate lingo. Be aware of these terms when interviewing:

1. I'm willing to relocate
As I am unemployed, any where's better.
2. My background and skills match your requirements
You're probably looking for someone more experienced.
3. I am adaptable
I've changed jobs a lot.
4. I am on the go
I'm never at my desk.
5. I'm highly motivated to succeed
The minute I find a better job, I am out of here.
6. I have a formal training
I'm a college drop-out.
7. I interact well with co-workers
I've been accused of sexual harassment.
8. Thank you for your time and consideration
Wait! Don't throw me out!
9. I look forward to hearing from you soon
Like I’m going to hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

Here's a little clarification on corporate lingo and just what those vacancy advertisements mean..

1. Competitive salary
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
2. Immediate opening
The person who used to have this job gave a notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.
3. Requiring motivated self-starter
We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
4. Self-motivated
Management won't answer questions.
5. Seeking enthusiastic, fun, hard working, people
...who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship level salaries.
6. Casual work atmosphere
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
7. Competitive environment
We have a lot of turnover
8. Join our dynamic team
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes
9. Fun work environment
Your co-worker will be insulted if you don't drink with them.
10. Some public relations required
If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.
11. Some overtime required
Sometimes each night and sometimes each weekend.
12. Career-minded
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
13. Apply in person
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled
14. No phone calls please
We've filled the job; our call of r resumes is just a legal formality.
15. Seeking candidates with wide experience
You'll need it to replace three people who just left
16. Good communication skills Management communicates.
You listen. You figure out what they want and you do it.

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